


Vernum Found Me In WalMart

by OhNuts



Category: NOD Fandom, Not Our Deorum
Genre: Baking, Cute, Fluff, For The Kids, M/M, Multi, Perlis and Cetty to be added, Reader lost their mommy lol, This is crack, Vernum is still like 7'1, big cake time, cakes, crack omg, crack without the cussing, im still sorry, no cussing, perlis - Freeform, soft, they still have kids, this is very pg, trying to avoid everyone's triggers, vernum x reader
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-10
Updated: 2020-10-10
Packaged: 2021-03-07 23:21:38
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,410
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26925790
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OhNuts/pseuds/OhNuts
Summary: This is a newer and PG version of my very not PG fic I wrote a while back. I hope you enjoy reading :)
Relationships: Perlis/Reader, Vernum/Perlis, Vernum/Perlis/Reader, Vernum/Reader
Comments: 1





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [My Mom Sold Me To Vernum](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24265582) by [OhNuts](https://archiveofourown.org/users/OhNuts/pseuds/OhNuts). 



> This is the PG, hopefully trigger-free, and swear word free version of my other fic so that everyone can enjoy this awful piece of garbage.

I woke up to a beautiful morning, The sun was shining, the birds were chirping, and my mom was getting ready to go to the store, with a cooking show playing on TV. Just an average day for me, Y/n

I got up and threw my hair into a messy bun, or, at least I WOULD have if I didn’t shave it off last night because of a dare. I rub my shiny smooth head to make sure its clean and throw on a hoodie before going into the kitchen to grab a snack.

My mom looked at me from where she was sitting on the couch. “Ay are u comin' with me or what.”

“What? Why?” I asked, pouring a bowl of off brand lucky charms.

My mom huffed before turning her attention back towards her show as she fixed her hair. “Just do as I say- I need someone to hold the basket for me while I flirt with the guy behind the butcher's counter. Go get dressed, Gordon Ramsay is talking.” She was completely entranced by the show now, not bothered by the sound of me loudly crunching on cereal.

“Okay, whatever,” I dragged on. I took my bowl of cereal to my room and began getting dressed. It was weird that my mom was taking me with her since she usually said I interferred with her flirting, but I guess she changed. I used to dress like a soft girl, but I'm totally past that now. Now I'm totally goth and listen to My Chemical Romance. You've probably never heard of them because no one even listens to them anymore so they're basically underground. I sometimes think I'm the only true goth X3

Moving on, as I finished getting ready, my mom started heading out of the door, yelling at me to hurry up.

I rushed into the car and my mom took off, sending me the list through text and speeding towards the store and asking me if her makeup was okay. She did a bad parking job and ran in, leaving me behind to walk and grab a cart and scroll through the list.

I walked through the store and checked out, making sure I had everything, and started heading to the car. Mom always left the car unlocked because she doesn't have anything valuable to leave inside of it. As I walked out, the sun hit my eyes and I remembered that I haven't drank water or gone outside in about 7 days because I was playing Minecraft. I started getting really dizzy and the world started tilting and everything went black.

\---

Everything was blurry. I rubbed my eyes and blinked many times before I could see where I was. I was in some strangers house in a strangers room in a strangers bed. How did I get here? Just as my brain was rebooting, a really tall man walked in carrying some soup and some water. Did he kidnap me? Am I kidnapped? I'm gonna sue him!

Though, he is really handsome. Like, REALLY really handsome. He doesn't look like a kidnapper, but you never know.

He stared at me with wide eyes and I stared at him with wider eyes. If this was a wide eye contest I would win, just sayin'. He finally cleared his throat and spoke. "I'm glad you're awake! I brought you some soup in case you were hungry. Do you want some?"

Just as I was about to refuse the soup from the strange, handsome kidnapper, my stomach made sounds that reminded me of a beluga whale. “.......................yes please.”

He smiled at me and handed me the food, sitting down on a nearby chair and stared at me while I ate. 

"So, Mr. Kidnapper," I started. Before I could ask any questions he cut me off quickly.

"I didn't kidnap you!"

"So why am I in your house, man I've never met before," I asked, inhaling my soup.

He hesitated and thought about what he was going to say. "Uh, well, you passed out in front of Walmart, and I couldn't leave you there, so I took you here until you woke up. And now you're awake." He said.

"Okay, so why didn't you take me to a hospital instead?"

"Because I'm banned."

What?

"What?"

He looked like he expected this. "Yeah, I'm banned because I knocked down the ceiling tiles accidentally when my shoe got stuck, so they won't allow me back inside. Since I can't go, this is the next best thing. I've seen Grey's Anatomy, I know how to help," he said with complete sincerity and honesty.

"Well, okay, I'm gonna go home now. Can you drive me?" I started to stand up and put my bowl on the nightstand next to the bed- becoming a bit dizzy. 

He stopped me and sat me back down, telling me that I'll pass out again. "Also, that's not possible. My car broke down and there's no service out here to call an uber. Sorry, I know it sounds sus, but the author had no other way of making this scenario work."

"Yeah I guess that's a totally plausible and reasonable thing that could happen, I'll trust you and drink this water and sleep on your bed, stranger." 

"Please, call me Vernum." 

'I wonder what his smile looks like,' I think before I pass out again.

-

I woke up to loud clanging coming from outside of the closed door. At first I didn't recognize where I was, then I remembered all of today's events and gasped when I saw the time. It was already 9 pm, which means I've been asleep all day.

As I made my way to the kitchen, trying to find out what the noise was, I started to hear something that reminded me of pots and pans clanking, but slightly different. Then I heard a bag rustling. I turned the corner and saw Vernum dressed in all black with just his little ponytail thing sticking out of a black beanie holding a duffel bag. 

“V-Vernum!” I hollered while walking down the stairs. “Why does it look like you're going to rob someone!?”

Vernum looked over towards where I was standing at the foot of the stairs, a stern look overtaking his eyes as a slight scowl appeared on his face. “You should just go back to sleep, you wouldn't like what I'm about to do to 'em.”

I stared in disbelief as Vernum took the fat duffel bag and threw it over his shoulder. It was insane. Like completely bonkers. “This has been a long day... I think I deserve to know Mr. Kidnapper Vernum.”

He tried to send me back upstairs but I wouldn't budge. If he was doing something illegal, I didn't want anything to trace back to be since I am at his house. Finally, he gave up and sighed. "You can't freak out or tell anyone about this." He stepped forward and put his hands on my shoulders, staring deep into my soul.

Now that he was closer to me, I could see that his eyes were very serious. He seemed much more alert and stern than before, which totally didn't make him look more hot than before. It also didn’t help that his cologne smelled really good. I lowkey wanna hug him right now. Not because I have Stockholm Syndrome, that’s gross haha no I’m just a huggy person haha.

He was staring at me, practically begging me to agree and not tell anyone else what he was about to share with me. I just can’t figure out what it could possibly be. “Pinkie Promise."

“Why should I? If it's something illegal, I'm telling the cops! I don't even know you!” I scowled and pulled back from him. His eyes were serious and a small frown was on his face.

"It's not that bad, I promise. Do you trust me?" 

"No."

"Can you at least pretend?"

"Yeah I guess I can do that." I said, getting prepared to listen to what he has to say. 

“Well, I'm getting ready to sneak into my neighbors house and mess with him,” he started to explain. However, I wasn't satisfied with that answer and started becoming more skeptical. Bro what are you doing.

“...What do you mean by... 'Mess with him'?” I questioned. My eyes scanned his face while waiting for his answer. “...What are you gonna do?”

“M-v- -is f--n-tu-e - in-hes.” Vernum mumbled, looking embarrassed by what he was saying.

“I’m sorry, what did you say?”

“Move his furniture 2 inches.” Vernum said it louder but still slightly embarrassed by how ridiculous it sounded.

I was shocked and started backing away towards the door. “Wh-Wh-What?!?!”

“Be honest, don’t act like you haven't played harmless pranks on your friends. It'll be fun, you can join me if you want and help. I know you wanna help me prank my friend. My magnum buddy. My humongous bro.” Why was he talking like that.

“I-I mean...” I looked away, touching my fingertips together. I was shy. I didn’t think he would just tell me that I could join him in breaking into a strangers house with him- like we totally just met. He doesn't even know me! ... he is kinda cute tho so I mean... “...If you want.....”

He grabbed my hand and pulled me towards the door. Between my excitement and terror of being caught, I had totally forgot about his giant duffel bag. “I totally forgot about your giant duffel bag.”

“Oh, this?” He questioned with a straight face. He zipped it open to show two pots decorated with Lisa Frank and Hello Kitty stickers, plus 7 bags of chicken flavored instant ramen noodles. “¿Quieres?”

Bro what. I looked at it and my eyes started watering from how beautiful the pots looked, but I had to decline. “No thanks, I have a cooking pot at home, you can keep it.”

We left the apartment and went down a few doors and Vernum took a key out from under a mat. I giggled at how stupid he looked trying to bend down and grab the key. He looked like a giraffe lmao.

“Shh! Be quiet, he'll hear us!,” he whispered as I started to cover my mouth with a small smile still on my face.

“Fine!” I whispered back. “By the way, how do you know this guy?”

“We met a while back. Not much else to say, now be quiet,” he said as he unlocked the door and went inside.

I pouted and looked at the apartment as he went to go switch out his pots and pans with the newly decorated ones.

“Now what?” I asked, not knowing what to do anymore. I felt a bit shaky and out of place being in a strangers house without them home.

“Why don’t you start scooting his furniture 2 inches to the left?” He said. 

“What's even the point of doing that? Do you do this often?” Any hesitation I had before flew out the window and I asked the questions as I moved homeboy's furniture. 

Vernum looked at me funny. “Why... Would I do this often...?” he said as he stared at me. “I mean I only do it so he runs into his furniture. Plus it's funny to see his reaction.” He gave a small chuckle as he thought about how his friend had reacted in the past.

“Aww! Your smile is so cute!” I slapped my hand over my mouth. "Ahem.. but no actually like why do you do this? Like how often?"

“Whenever he stops giving me attention. Now can you start switching around the things on his shelf while I work on the kitchen?” he answered. “Also stop looking through his stuff."

“Fine, fine. But you owe me dinner.” He agreed and we made quick work of this dudes apartment. Once we were done, it looked practically the same, which means it was perfect. He gave me a high five and we went back to his apartment to celebrate our hard work, and I found myself actually enjoying the time I spent with this guy.

Maybe he's not so bad.


	2. We Got It Goin' On

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oh Perlis is here now too

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is being typed before I start writing and god what am i gonna do to fix this

"Mmm, Vernum, I didn't know you were such a good cook! I could eat your food like I'm a prisoner and it's my last meal." Y/n licked their lips, staring with greedy eyes as Vernum starts to open the fridge and pull out his fat cheesecake he made. It was massive, causing y/n to take a sharp inhale in. Thank god y/n is hungry or else this would be a problem. Though a new problem arises: how will he be able to devour this delectable meal?

As Vernum finally pulled his dessert out all the way, y/n could now see the full size of Vernum's delicious treat. It seemed to almost squeeze out of the fridge- it was like he had the Mary Poppins Bag as a refrigerator. Or it was like his fridge was another version of the Tardis, if you're a nerd. Either way, it was almost terrifying to think about stuffing their face with Vernum's pastry. Yet, at the same time, the thought was so tempting that y/n could do it right now with no hesitation. Which is probably what was going to happen if there wasn't a knock at the door.

"Vernum?" a muffled voice spoke from behind the door. "Did you take my pots and pans again?"

"Aw, it's Perlis! Talk about bad timing," Vernum state before turning his head towards the door with sadness in his eyes- now not being able to devour this cake- and yelling out for Perlis to wait for a second. Then he set the cheesecake on the counter before stopping halfway. Maybe it was the hunger or maybe it was the sheer beauty of the confection, but y/n and Vernum looked at each other with the same idea in mind. Maybe this cute boy could join in on the fun. It would definitely be easier to eat Vernums gargantuan cake if there were three mouths instead of two.

Perlis knocked again, as if pulling the two out of their mental conversation. "Hello? Are you coming or what?" He asked, still standing outside the front door.

Vernum looked over towards y/n, a smile on his face. Yup, we they were definitely eating this cake. Instead of putting down the pan or telling y/n to take it from him to put away, he strode over towards the door, his cake practically covering his face."Vernum! Are you sure about this? What if he doesn't want to and you just show him your giant mouth-watering cake for no reason? What if he gets scared off from the size of your huge pastry?" Y/n questioned, needing answers to the questions that were swirling around in their mind.

"Then oh well? Live life through experience, not regrets." Bruh, that was deep, Vernum. Almost about as deep as y/n's face will be in that cake later-

Vernum opened the door to the boy outside, his cheesecake on full display. Maybe it was the stomach growling, or that was just how Vernum was, but he had no shame in showing off his pride and joy. The confidence he exuded at that very moment made it seem as if he would be willing to show anyone, not just the two of them. It was beautiful.

The man in the spotlight, the man of the hour, Perlis, seemed at a loss for words. You could practically see the gears in his mind working to process the sight before him, and the moment he finished processing, a heavy blush did not flooded his cheeks. He averted his eyes and looked away from the man in front of him, caught off guard from Vernum's insanely huge cake in his hands. "I'm sorry. I can come back later if you would like, I didn't mean to bother you while you were eating." He said, his voice steady. He started to turn and walk away from the door before a large, muscular hand grabbed his arm.

"I don't want you to go. Do you want to leave, or would you prefer to join us and help us eat this?" Vernum's hand was still wrapped tightly around Perlis, but his grip had lessened. "I can let you go, but this is a once in a lifetime opportunity. I suggest you take it. You trust me, don't you?"

"I agree! Join us!" Y/n called from the kitchen as he faced the door. When he looked to the door, y/n could finally see the face that belonged to the voice he heard and, bro, he was cute. He had some of the fluffiest hair on his cute head and y/n couldn't wait to touch it and hopefully braid it and maybe kiss his forehead-

This isn't a Perlis x reader fic, so lets continue.

Perlis finally looked towards Vernum, and looked into the house towards y/n, a blush still very visible on his face. As he looked back and forth between Vernum and y/n, he seemed to finally make up his mind. "I mean..." He cleared his voice and continued. "Okay... I guess..."

Vernum dragged Perlis inside towards the kitchen as soon as those words left his mouth. "I knew you would make the right choice! Now, grab a fork."

"Wait! Slow down!-" Perlis didn't know what to do. The room still had a strong smell of a bakery, making his nose twitch. "Wait, Vernum... you made this? Who is that?" Perlis asked pointing towards y/n as Vernum was holding back from shoving his fork into the cake instead of just cutting slices.

Vernum laughed at Perlis before rolling eyes. "Stop asking so many questions. Do you want to join or interrogate us?" He pushed Perlis towards the dining room chair and he fell onto it with everything except grace. There were two non-humans about to eat a large cake with the very human y/n.

It was heaven. Did they die and go to heaven? Maybe they were in heaven. This definitely felt like heaven.

Luckily, y/n was snapped back to reality as the table wobbled when Vernum started to cut the cake, his eyes noticeably larger and his face was much more flush than before. Curious as to why, y/n followed Vernum's gaze towards where Perlis was sitting.

The cute boy was staring in awe at the slice on his plate, obviously very flustered at the thought of people watching him eat this huge monstrosity of a cake. "Can you turn away? It's awkward if you watch me." Nervous was practically written all over his face. Vernum nodded with a smile and turned away, which did not surprise y/n with how he did it so fast without any defiance.

"I'll turn, but you can trust me. You don't have to be embarrassed around either us." Y/n looked away like Perlis asked, and god, he's so cute. Like he's adorable. How does Vernum know someone as cute as him?

"Okay, you can turn around now..." he hesitated. The two turned around and took in he beautiful sight of Perlis, fully comfortable and stomach growling, waiting to dig in. It rivaled Vernum's stomach in sheer loudness. It was probably a species thing, but either way, y/n definitely felt intimidated by these two and their noisy stomachs. It both terrified and excited y/n knowing that he was going to share this cake with these two.

Y/n was eager to get started and finally take a bite out of Vernum's cake. Hell, he had all day.

"Well, Perlis, was it? Would you mind helping me eat this entire cake? I think this would be much easier with your help." Y/n jested, giving Perlis a cheeky wink. This resulted in Perlis taking a bigger bite than y/n thought was humanly possible. Well, he isn't a human, so I guess that makes sense.

Perlis chewed the piece, it was melting in his mouth. He looked at y/n and they both faced Vernum who was very eager to hear what they thought. They looked at him straight in the eyes and y/n couldn't help but lick their lips as he reached for another bite of his gargantuan confection. His cake seemed to almost call out to them as they both attacked it with such force that it almost scared Vernum. Almost. However, laughter overtook the fear instantly and he couldn't help the giggle that escaped his mouth.

Both y/n and, surprisingly, Perlis devoured his delicacy, causing Vernum to experience pride he had never felt before. He felt as if he was on cloud nine, never wanting them to stop. It was almost embarrassing how slow he was eating, but they looked like sonic the hedgehog. Two cute sonic the hedgehogs, at that. However, they were not stopping there. Vernum turned his focus towards the pantry, leaving his juicy fruits on display for y/n to claim.

As soon as Vernum brought out ingredients to make another goody, he could hear y/n sink their teeth into a juicy apple. He moaned as he took a bite, sending apple juice down his hands and arms and wherever it could reach. The main point is that it was a very juicy apple.

Y/n was trying to not make a mess, but quickly threw that idea out of the window when Vernum took some of the other apples and a pie crust. This one action caused y/n to go ham, practically begging Vernum to make it as fast ass he could while Perlis ate the remainder of the cheesecake. They were all having a great time. Almost like magic, or the writer stopped wanting to write, the pie finished instantaneously.

Y/n slowly put a fat juicy slice of pie into his pie hole and Vernum swallowed a bite that Perlis fed to him. They joked and laughed and had fun together as they ate the pie.

As they were cracking up one thought crossed y/n's mind. This was gonna suck to clean up.

-

It's been a few months since their dessert fest and Y/n basically lived at Vernum's apartment and cooked with him. And soon enough, Vernum and Y/n started dating. Perlis also comes over to visit more often and they all love each other very much. Oh, and Vernum had gained some weight. If y/n didn't know any better, he would think that Vernum was pregnant since all of the weight was only going towards his stomach and chest. In fact, it was oddly suspicious, but that was from y/n's perspective.

"Good morning Vernu- oh my god, are you okay!?" Y/n had walked in on Vernum throwing up this mornings breakfast in the bathroom. "Are you sick? What's going on?" He rushed over to pat Vernum's back, but Vernum responded with teary eyes.

"It hurts....." " How can I help? "I think it was breakfast this morning... ugh.... I just need some time..." Vernum was at the verge of tears before he started throwing up once again into the toilet.

...was his breakfast this morning really that bad? Y/n thought he did a good job at making blueberry pancakes, just like Vernum requested. Vernum had been requesting very specific food recently, maybe that was adding to his recent weight gain. Y/n should apologize and get some tums medicine and water for Vernum.

He came back to the bathroom with a glass of water and a pill bottle to see Vernum crying and holding, almost cradling, his stomach. "I brought you some water. If it was the breakfast this morning, I'm sorry. I'll do better next time, I promise-"

"It actually wasn't the pancakes..." Vernum cut him off. He gulped down the water and sighed, sitting back against the bathroom wall. He heaved out a heavy breath and fished something out of his pockets. "I bought this yesterday on a whim because I didn't know what was wrong with me." Vernum pulled out something that looked like a weird thermometer.

It was a positive pregnancy test.

And it was Vernums.

"A...Are you for real?" Y/n was in shock. But Vernum was a man? How could he be pregnant? How many months has it been? Is it his kid?

"I went to the doctor right after and they said I have a uterus in my butt. They also said there's more than just that one anomaly." Vernum handed y/n the empty glass of water before continuing. "They said I have both babies and eggs inside of me. Eggs. Eggs! And theyre probably going to hatch soon."

Y/n couldn't believe this. He was a father!

"Do they know how many of each? We have to think of names!" Y/n said, slight panic at the fact that he couldn't think of enough names for his future kids and egg kids.

Vernum stared at him in disbelief. "You're... not weirded out...?"

Now it was y/n's turn to look at Vernum weirdly. "Why should I? I always wanted kids, and I love you," he said matter-of-factly.

There was a slight silence between the two before Vernum chuckled. "Pfft, I knew you were a weird one," he said, love laced into his words. "Well, I guess we should tell Perlis that he's also gonna be a father of 2 kids and 2 eggs very soon."

"I think he'll love that."

-

Just like the doctor said, it wasn't long before Vernum had laid two beautiful eggs. They wrapped them up and kept them incubated, showering them with love and warmth.

As for the other two kids, it was a bit more of a challenge. One long night and a hospital visit later, Vernum's house now had two more people living in it. A little boy and a little girl were welcomed into the home with loving arms as all three of their dads cuddled and cooed, begging for a chance to hold the little children. Y/n was at the verge of tears with how much love he had for his two boyfriends, and his 4 lovely children.

He was going to marry these two or he would die trying.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i didnt want to erase the kids so theyre here to stay :)

**Author's Note:**

> I do enjoy comments teehee but u can also message on the discord in general or @ me (Juuls#2896)


End file.
